Saving the Cookies nshit

I was posed this question by way of Formspring:

“So what advice do you have for women that cannot keep a man around because they don’t want to have sex until after marriage?”

First let me commend you on your decision to abstain. Whether you’re a virgin or just choosing not to partake in the hippity dippity anymore, it’s not an easy decision to make. You’re better than me lol.

Now on to the men folk. My advice would be not to settle or break down to please a man that wants your cookies and doesn’t want to wait. They are after all YOUR cookies and if you want to close the jar then by all means keep it closed.

Realistically, I know that the majority of men don’t want to get involved in this situation. Let them know up front that there will be no cookie tasting or dipping in the jar and see what he says. If he’s a real dude he’ll let you know up front whether or not he can handle it and you move on from there. If he says he’s cool with it but then down the line puts the pressure on, let him know your serious on where you stand with the issue. If he continues to bring it up then let him go. It’s obvious that he minds.

I’m not saying it’s impossible to find a man that will wait for you. They’re out there. I actually know a guy whose dating a virgin. He may hear it from his friends and all but bottom line, he believes that she’s worth it and is willing to put his libido aside to wait.

I mean maybe you can just give each other head. Or is that off-limits too?

Bottom line: Find a man that believes your worth the wait. BE worth the wait. They’re out there.

Jesus won’t keep you single forever. Right?

That Girl

Raise your hand if you’ve ever slept or carried on an affair with a married man

Looks around at all you hoes.

I don’t respect females that sleep with married men. I mean, I don’t respect the cheating man either but that’s another topic for another day. This is about that girl. You know her. The one that sleeps with married men. The one that doesn’t see anything wrong with it. The one that carries on as if this married man is her significant other. You know that girl. Hell, you might be that girl.

I understand a chick being a whore. I get it. You don’t care about who you fuck or who gets hurt in the process of your vagina exploits. Understood. Hoe around with ya hoe self.

What I don’t understand however, are the ones who “date” the married men. I put it in quotes because I don’t feel like you can actually date someone who is betrothed to another person. It’s downright ludicrous. What makes these women attach themselves to someone who obviously doesn’t give  fuck about them?

I mean they can’t give a fuck. Not a real fuck anyway lol. I know what these misguided home wreckers are thinking. He loves me, he’s miserable at home and he’s just not ready to leave his wife yet.

Bitch are you stupid?!

I’m not saying that it’s an impossible scenario. I personally know of someone who cheated on his wife, divorced her and them married the jo. Jo= jumpoff for those of you who are slang challenged.

However, these situations are not normal. If your a jo for a married man and you’re faithful to him well your bout the dumbest bitch biggest fool ever. A man will feed you the bullshit. I’m not happy at home. You’re the only one I can really talk to. I feel like I can tell you everything. Im gonna divorce her. You lapping that shit up all thirsty like too huh?

Here are some signs that he won’t ever leave his wife for you:

1. You don’t spend any holidays with him.

If the only holidays you two spend together are Groundhogs Day and Arbor day chances are he’s not leaving his wife boo. If he was THAT miserable at home he wouldn’t give a fuck about a holiday. He’d try and slip away and come and see you. Have fun with your day after Valentine’s date though. Loser.

2. He only calls you during work hours.

Soooooooo, you can’t call him after 5 huh? Oh. Ok. That’s what’s up. Guess that pesky family of his comes first.

3. He only consults wants to fuck you when he’s having an argument with his wife.

If every conversation you have is prefaced with, ” This bitch is trippin again.” or, “I need to talk. She’s in one of her moods again.” just give it up. It’s obvious that you’re just someone he wants to fuck on the side and will never take seriously. You’re just there for him to getaway Mobb Deep style when shit at home gets hectic for him. He got problems and so did AZ. Let him work it out with his wife. Your pussy ain’t Dr. Phil bitch.

Those are just three. There are many more trust me.

Your carrying on like he’s your man and your his main bitch but your just a fuck. He won’t leave his wife for you because you, my dear, are not the marrying type. He doesn’t want to be with the bitch that will fuck a married man. Double standard? Yep. That’s just how the infidelity cookie crumbles and you’re just a rat picking up the crumbs.

Shots fired.

Side note: If his wife finds out  saying “You not giving him what he needs/wants at home”, just makes you look foolish. That isn’t always the case sweetie. Sometimes it’s as simple as you just being available and him being a dog. That, like I said, is a whole ‘nother topic.

Fuck you and your toilet..

Not long ago I had a conversation with some random lady who chose to complain to me about how horrible her boyfriend was because he wouldn’t put the toilet seat down. Crazy bitch. This was obviously a serious concern of hers’ seeing as how she chose me because I apparently have a sign on my fucking forehead that says “Hey, you can talk to me about your stupid, pathetic life”, to talk to.

Here’s how the convo went:

Annoying Lady: “I don’t know what to do. He refuses to put the damn toilet seat down and I hate having to do it every time I use the damn bathroom” White people like to say damn to emphasize their discontent. I say fuck.

Me: “Oh really? That’s Crazy” If anyone ever says these words to you during the course of your lame conversation, they aren’t remotely interested in whatever it is you’re fucking saying.

Getting More Annoying Lady: “Yes!! I don’t get it! Why is it so damn hard?! Just put the seat down when you’re done! I swear we’ve been arguing about this all damn day.”

Me: “All day? Really?”

Stupid Bish: “Yes! His ass will be on the couch tonight if he keeps it up. I mean what about you? Doesn’t that bother you?”

Me: “Lady, my boyfriend sexual chocolate could piss all over the fucking walls and I wouldn’t give two shits.”

Her: *blank stare*

Yep. That’s really how the convo went and yes I could really give two shits about a fucking toilet seat. Honestly, there are more things in life to worry about than to waste time arguing about something so insignificant. There is however a reason why.

Sex.Really great sex. Bow chicka wow wow.

I’m a firm believer that bitches like her would not argue about trivial shit if they were getting their groove on on a regular basis. Fellas, if you keep your girl satisfied in the bedroom I gaurantee that you won’t get toilet seat arguments. Unless she’s genuinely an argumentative person and/or a complete bitch. Flush that hoe. Too many stupid arguments are being carried on due to the lack of  bonin.

Some things in life are just that simple. Regular sex = Happy girlfriend and vice versa.

On a side note do you put the toilet seat up after you use it? Food for thought.

On another side note: If you look like this you should be happy you even have a man let alone have the nerve to be arguing about his bathroom etiquette.

Shots fired.

Where ya wallet at hoe?

I believe in chivalry. I do not however demand it. If you don’t open the door for me I won’t spaz out on you.

If you let the door hit me in my face well, that’s another story….

Maybe its generational. My father used to open the car door for my mom all the time. She would sit there and wait for him to come around to her side and open the door. I thought it was cute but I honestly don’t want to be fucking waiting on you to get out of a car.

With that said I believe that women shouldn’t expect a man to always pay for dinner. Unless your a whore with no job who fucks for Red Lobster biscuits and Olive Garden breadsticks. I wholeheartedly believe that, assuming your gainfully employed, you should at the very least do the “reach”.

You know the move.

The check comes. He picks it up. You reach for your wallet/purse and offer to split the bill. He says some cool guy shit like “What girl? You ain’t got to pay” and pulls out a buy one get one free coupon.

At least that’s how I think it should play out. There are others who believe a man should ALWAYS pay. No if ands or buts about it. This perplexes me. If you’re remotely interested in this person why the hangup? Do you not have a fucking job? Why should the man be the one to pay for your happy meal dinner all the time? It’s 2011 and too many females are walking around with this laundry list of shit that men should do, need to do, better do and so on and so forth. Well what about you? What do you think you should do, need to do, or better do? Nothing? Dumb ass broad.

I don’t think that there are things solely reserved for men but that’s just me. I can shovel snow, get an oil change, take out the trash, change a flat tire and unclog a toilet. If i have to. Unless it was his shit that clogged it. *passes plunger* Again, that’s just me. I happen to be extremely independent. I will let a man do these things for me though, I ain’t crazy and I hate taking out the fucking trash. I do not however feel that it is his manly obligation to do them.

Again, thats just me.

I say, stop walking around with your fucking hand out all the time thinking that a guy is supposed to treat you like a queen when you aint worth the sneaker pumps you got on hoe.

Is it just me? Sound off n shit…