Unless you’ve been hiding under a rock the past week or so you’re familiar with the whole Charlie Sheen debacle. This post isn’t about Charlie Sheen. It’s about winning.
I personally became tired of the “I’m winning” catch phrase way before it became notorious as a famous crackheads tag line. “We winning over here!”, “You can’t stop me! I’m winning” and even “I’m a fucking wenner!”. Seriously? I don’t get it I guess. What exactly are you winning? I need someone to shed light on this for me. Are you in some sort of life competition? Are you playing some sort of game? I’m lost
and you’re stupid.
In any case, I’m not an expert on what makes you a winner but I can definitely tell you that some of you are not winning. Whatever it is you think you’re winning you aren’t. You in fact are doing the opposite of winning. I know, I know, you need to know what makes you this non-winner. What disqualifies you from using “I’m winning” as a catch phrase or hash tag? Well here’s my list.
10 Signs you aren’t winning and should never say that you are:
1. You have no job, no job prospects or even the slightest desire to obtain one.
If you don’t have a job or are not actively seeking one you are not a winner nor are you allowed to say that you are. Don’t fucking say shit about winning. You don’t even remember what a paycheck looks like. You wouldn’t recognize a job application if it danced on your tv during a Maury commercial break. Have a seat. Better yet, have a life.
2. You wear a name tag to work.
There is a difference between a badge and a name tag. Badges usually get you into your building or past certain security measures. Name tags get you poked in the chest. You are not winning if you pin your name to your shirt every morning.
3. You complain about gas prices but claim to be a “boss”.
First of all,
boss deez nutz you are not a boss. Secondly, if you were such a “boss” you wouldn’t give a fuck about gas prices. Why? Because bosses have money. Bosses don’t complain about how much it takes to fill up their tank because they are too busy doing boss shit. There’s one thing to say “Damn gas has gone up like crazy, wtf man.” and another to say “I don’t know how I’m going to get to work now gas prices are so high.” The former will still fill up their tanks and go about their happy way. The latter will start carpooling and catching 6 buses to get to work. Nothing wrong with carpooling and shit just don’t say your a carpooling winning boss. If you’re making life decisions at the gas pump you are not winning.
4. You wear designer shit and your kid looks like they stepped out of a Forman Mills ad.
You are definitely not winning. Taking care of yourself before your child(ren) is selfish, loser behavior. You have on Frye boots, Marciano jeans and a Miu Miu top but your kid has on light up Dora sneakers, high-water jeans and matching Dora windbreaker. Have a fucking seat. I don’t care if I look like shit as long as my daughter is taken care of. Not saying you can’t have nice shit but your seed should be your first priority.
Sidenote: Why is Forman Mills always having a damn liquidation sale? I’m tired of those commercials.
5. You don’t know who the father of your child is.
6. You care about how many people follow you on Twitter.
Loser. Who gives a fuck? What are you in some sort of contest? You NEED to have a certain amount of followers? Why? So more people can be exposed to your stupid, nonsensical rantings? Fuck you and win a life.
7. You hate your job.
You can’t say that you’re such a winner if you dread going to work everyday or complain about how much your job sucks. Having a job that’s boring or less then perfect is understandable. Everyone has bad days. However, if every day is a bad for you then you are officially losing.
8. Your grammar is fucked.
If you don’t know the difference between your and you’re, bear and bare, incite and insight (saw the funniest back on forth on Twitter about that one), weather and whether , and a million other common mistakes I constantly see you are not winning. This is grade school shit. Certain shit you should not misspell. I know words like, exercise, vacuum, and scissors are not always easy to spell for you non-spelling bee champs like me. Dusts off 5th grade plaque. Words like sensitive, laptop, heart and message should never be misspelled. Go win a dictionary and a thesaurus.
9. You tell people how much you’re winning.
Real winners don’t need to say they’re winning. It’s evident. You can see tangible results of their winning status. Only losers feel the need to constantly tell people they’re winning because they feel like if they don’t say it people will realize it isn’t true. Well we know it isn’t true. We see right through your losing ass.
10. Fill in the blank:
I’ll leave this space for you. What do you think disqualifies someone from saying that they are a winner? I know I’ve only scratched the surface and I’m curious to see what you all think so have at it with your winning self.
All I do is win, win, win no matter what.