Breakfast Doesn’t Count

So, a recent twitter rant by @yaya3086 inspired me to take a certain convo off Twitter and bring it here. You can follow her if you’d like. She’s mean though so if you’re sensitive and can’t spell I’d advise against it.

Anywho, the rant started something like this:

 

I happen to agree with these statements. I mean I don’t cut grass because I’m allergic but I can start the mower up and shit. I believe that there are a shitload of females out there looking for handouts. A plethora if you will. Yea, plethora. I really like that word. So many women have a laundry list of qualities and specific things that their potential mate needs to have. I briefly touched on this in a previous post. I mean it’s perfectly fine to say what you will or won’t settle for and to have standards but if you can’t match anything that’s on your list then you need to re-evaluate it.

You want a man with a Benz and you drive a Camry?

You want a man with a six -figure job and your making around 30k a year?

You want a professional athlete? Groupie.

You want a man to cater to you and you can’t even cook? Breakfast doesn’t count.

Reevaluate. Maybe your crazy ass list is the reason you don’t have a man. You can’t expect a man to bring all these things into the relationship when all you’re carrying is a hobo bag and your outstretched hand. I blame a lot of these reality shows out there. You see all these stupid bitches who “marry-up” or are girlfriends who have high profile boyfriends and chicks want to be like them. They think, “Hey, I can be a lazy bitch and sit around and wait for a man to come sponsor me”. Good Luck. If that’s what you’re looking for in life then your issues run deeper because you feel that the only way you can be happy is with money. If that’s what makes you happy then to each his own. I can be happy in a cardboard box as long as I have my rock and my seed there with me. That’s just me.

I’m actually very curious to know what’s on some people’s “list”. What do you need your significant other to have and can you match him? If not, I say have a seat, pop open a cookbook and make yourself a catch.

A pretty face can only get you so far. Sooner or later your man is gonna get hungry and he can’t eat looks babygirl.

Sound off and shit.

 

 

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10 Signs You’re not Charlie Sheen Winning

Unless you’ve been hiding under a rock the past week or so you’re familiar with the whole Charlie Sheen debacle. This post isn’t about Charlie Sheen. It’s about winning.

I personally became tired of the “I’m winning” catch phrase  way before it became notorious as a famous crackheads tag line. “We winning over here!”, “You can’t stop me! I’m winning” and even “I’m a fucking wenner!”. Seriously? I don’t get it I guess. What exactly are you winning? I need someone to shed light on this for me. Are you in some sort of life competition? Are you playing some sort of game? I’m lost and you’re stupid.

In any case, I’m not an expert on what makes you a winner but I can definitely tell you that some of you are not winning. Whatever it is you think you’re winning you aren’t. You in fact are doing the opposite of winning. I know, I know, you need to know what makes you this non-winner. What disqualifies you from using “I’m winning” as a catch phrase or hash tag? Well here’s my list.

10 Signs you aren’t winning and should never say that you are:

1. You have no job, no job prospects or even the slightest desire to obtain one.

If you don’t have a job or are not actively seeking one you are not  a winner nor are you allowed to say that you are. Don’t fucking say shit about winning. You don’t even remember what a paycheck looks like. You wouldn’t  recognize a job application if it danced on your tv during a Maury commercial break. Have a seat. Better yet, have a life.

2. You wear a name tag to work.

There is a difference between a badge and a name tag. Badges usually get you into your building or past certain security measures. Name tags get you poked in the chest. You are not winning if you pin your name to your shirt every morning.

3. You complain about gas prices but claim to be a “boss”.

First of all, boss deez nutz you are not a boss. Secondly, if you were such a “boss” you wouldn’t give a fuck about gas prices. Why? Because bosses have money. Bosses don’t complain about how much it takes to fill up their tank because they are too busy doing boss shit. There’s one thing to say “Damn gas has gone up like crazy, wtf man.” and another to say “I don’t know how I’m going to get to work now gas prices are so high.” The former will still fill up their tanks and go about their happy way. The latter will start carpooling and catching 6 buses to get to work. Nothing wrong with carpooling and shit just don’t say your a carpooling winning boss. If you’re making life decisions at the gas pump you are not winning.

4. You wear designer shit and your kid looks like they stepped out of a Forman Mills ad.

You are definitely not winning. Taking care of yourself before your child(ren) is selfish, loser behavior. You have on Frye boots, Marciano jeans and a Miu Miu top but your kid has on light up Dora sneakers, high-water jeans and matching Dora windbreaker. Have a fucking seat. I don’t care if I look like shit as long as my daughter is taken care of. Not saying you can’t have nice shit but your seed should be your first priority.

Sidenote: Why is Forman Mills always having a damn liquidation sale? I’m tired of those commercials.

5. You don’t know who the father of your child is.

Whore.

6. You care about how many people follow you on Twitter.

Loser. Who gives a fuck? What are you in some sort of contest? You NEED to have a certain amount of followers? Why? So more people can be exposed to your stupid, nonsensical rantings? Fuck you and win a life.

7. You hate your job.

You can’t say that you’re such a winner if you dread going to work everyday or complain about how much your job sucks. Having a job that’s boring or less then perfect is understandable. Everyone has bad days. However, if every day is a bad for you then you are officially losing.

8. Your grammar is fucked.

If you don’t know the difference between your and you’re, bear and bare, incite and insight (saw the funniest back on forth on Twitter about that one), weather and whether , and a million other common mistakes I constantly see you are not winning. This is grade school shit. Certain shit you should not misspell. I know words like, exercise, vacuum, and scissors are not always easy to spell for you non-spelling bee champs like me. Dusts off 5th grade plaque. Words like sensitive, laptop, heart and message should never be misspelled. Go win a dictionary and a thesaurus.

9. You tell people how much you’re winning.

Real winners don’t need to say they’re winning. It’s evident. You can see tangible results of their winning status. Only losers feel the need to constantly tell people they’re winning because they feel like if they don’t say it people will realize it isn’t true. Well we know it isn’t true. We see right through your losing ass.

10. Fill in the blank:

I’ll leave this space for you. What do you think disqualifies someone from saying that they are a winner? I know I’ve only scratched the surface and I’m curious to see what you all think so have at it with your winning self.

All I do is win, win, win no matter what.


10 Things you shouldn’t be doing over 25

Pretty self -explanatory this is a list of things I believe no one over the age of 25 should be engaging in. I should put a disclaimer here that I’m about three glasses of wine in as I write this post so if you see a typo oh well. You probably won’t because I am a spelling bee champ of sorts and I rarely have typos but i digress. Wine is good. Yay for wine. *does wine dance*

Welp here goes. This is just 10 random things I randomly thought about. If one of these apply to you don’t worry, I won’t tell. If you get offended by any of these I don’t give a fuck. This is my blog not yours. Make your own list bitch.

1. $2 Tuesdays

I meeeaaaaaan cmon son. Really? First of all you should have a job that requires you to wake up in the morning thus affecting your ability to attend a $2 Tuesday. Secondly, go sit your ass down and stay at home. Do you know who goes to $2 Tuesdays? Muhfuckas with no jobs and limited funds. If you can’t afford to go to a club on a Friday you shouldn’t be clubbing period. Once in a blue moon I’ll accept. Every week is a no-no. Along with going to “18 and over events”. You’re old ass is the only one with a wristband on.

2. Sleep on anything smaller than a full size bed.

Im being lenient with the full size thing. You should really have a queen size bed. Room enough to roll over three times and have a romp session without worrying about landing on the floor because you’re on a twin size bed. Futons and bunk beds don’t count. If you sleep on a futon or bunk bed ,kill yaself. Jesus doesn’t love 25 and older people who sleep on futons and bunk beds.

3. Show up to a gathering sans drink/ party favor type of thing.

You cheap ass bitch. Seriously?

4. Argue with your parents.

There comes a time when you just have to shut the fuck up and listen. They may be wrong, you know their wrong but you’re too old to be going back and forth with them over your choice of bf/gf, their disappointment of your career or lack there of and things of that nature. Just let them talk and shut the fuck up.

5. Start a rap career.

Sooooooooooooooooooooooooooo you’re a rapper now huh? Riggggggghhhhtttt. I’m going to tell you what you’re friends won’t. You cant rap. Sit down. Take your ass to a temp agency and get a job. No one wants to buy your mixtape that you recorded on Garage Band sir. You are entirely too old to be trying to just start rapping.

6. Sleep on a bed that sits on the floor.

You do know that those metal bars that go under the boxspring are like $20 right? Why the fuck is your mattress on the floor? If you didn’t notice I have a soft spot for this bed thing. I mean this is where you sleep. Where you hunch. Where you eat your late night brownies and ice cream at. Oh, maybe that’s just me. I love brownies. I’m gonna make some tonight. Beans will get some. I digress. If you spend money on nothing else in your place it should definitely go towards your bed. Who wants to smash a chick whose mattress is on the floor?  Or who sleeps on a bunk bed? That’s baffling. I mean do you sleep on the top bunk or bottom? Do you have to make both beds? Does it creak? Your bed shouldn’t have a ladder.

7. Have an abortion

It was acceptable at 16. Not at 25. If you’re still making the mistake of putting yourself in that situation you suck at life. You’re old enough to know how babies are made and how to avoid them. Swallow. Just have the kid and join the club.

8. Sell nicks and dimes.

If you sell drugs that’s your business. However, if you are over 25 there is no way you should be selling nicks and dimes. Do people even buy nicks still? If you aren’t moving major weight just give it up. Chi chi get the yayo.

9. Live at home and not contribute.

Ok ok ok. It’s a recession. I get it. You save money by living at home and all that good stuff. Cool. However, you should be contributing something to the situation. Give you parents money. Do the dishes. Shit like that. If you work and you live at home and you aren’t doing shit but drinking up all the Arizona Iced Tea and ordering pay-per-view movies you need to get the fuck out the house. I think if you’re a man and you haven’t left the house yet you’re lame as shit you need Jesus. Do not attempt to tweet about how much of a boss you are and the moves you’re making if you live at home and you have to wait for mom and dad to go shopping to eat. If you live at home don’t make a big deal about all the shit you buy and how you have the latest shit. Well no shit muthafucka. If I didn’t have to pay rent and shit I’d be “ballin” too. Fuck you.

10. Not give oral sex.

You’re being cheated on. Plain and simple. Partake in the fellatio or cunnilingus. Those sound so dirty right? lol Pretty self explanatory. What you won’t do the next person will be willing to so slob on the knob like corn on the cob and lick it before you stick it.

That’s just ten things. I have more. Shoutout to my behind the scenes contributor for offering his input on this. Number 10 for you babe. Bow chicka wow wow.

There are other things you shouldn’t do but I’ll save that for part two. My dinner is done and I’m starving. What would you add to the list?

Sidenote: Did I have any typos? Fuck you for noticing.