10 Fashion Rules for Women, Men and Fat People

I hate my friend Monique. The amount of fuckery she hits me with in the morning is insane. I’m never really prepared for it. It just hits me lol.

Today it was all about the fashionable and not so fashionable at her job. I almost spit out my hazelnut coffee ,brewed on my awesome coffee maker, when she told me about the jean skirt pandemic happening there. I’m no fashionista but I know the basics of putting together an outfit and I’m all about enlightenment. So,  I decided that we should put our heads together and come up 10 fashion rules that most people already know but an overwhelming percent of the population seem to be oblivious to. This is for men and women alike.

1. Open Toe Shoes

Open toe-shoes are for the spring and summer time. The only time it’s ok to wear an open-toe shoe in the fall is if it’s a peep-toe. Ladies, if you’re wearing a peep toe shoe it’s NOT ok to just put polish on your first two toes. I know you’re doing it. Stop being lazy and polish the rest of your damn foot.

2. Horizontal stripes are a fat person’s friend

Ok, If you’re super fat then it doesn’t matter what you wear really. If your pants all have elastic waistbands and your shirts have bacon neck then horizontal stripes aint helping shit. However, If you’re not that fat but still semi-fat, then horizontal stripes are great for you because they can help achieve a slimmer look. If you’re already slim then you can knock yourself out with whatever kind of stripes you want in whatever direction. Oh and fat people?…No skinny stripes or else you’ll look like a lost zebra

3. Fellas: NO JEAN SHORTS

Toss em, burn em, only use them when you’re doing some sort of manual labor. In no way, shape or form should you be rocking jean shorts let alone still buying them. You will never go wrong with khaki or cargo shorts. Stick to them. Leave the jean shorts to your dad/uncle/older cousins.

4. Ladies: Jean skirts have died

Along with jean shorts for men jean skirts for women are not the haps. Especially if it comes down to your knees and has a split in either the front or the back. If you wear long, splitted jean skirts I’ll assume you have a fingerwave with a side ponytail and gel’d down “S” shaped sideburns.

I’ll add that my homey said only muslim chicks can get this off because they already have a limited choice of garb. Oh, and them Amish jawns. P.s. The turkey bacon at the Amish mart in Willingboro is the best turkey bacon I’ve ever had man. I digress though..moving on…

Moe: “Short jeans skirts are only allowed if its tight and u have a donkey cuz other than that its gonna look like a box and that’s not cute hunty.”

5. Stockings

Moe: “Do NOT wear coffee stockings when u black AF and or white AF choose the color that’s closet to ur skin complexion and if not don’t wear any! I’d rather see a bare leg over a church going grandma look. Fucks up ur whole outfit.”

AF= As Fuck
Amen.
6. Camoflauge
This is a personal pet peeve of mine. There’s nothing worse than seeing someone in head to toe camo. You look a gotdamn fool. Don’t do it. If you aren’t in the Armed Forces just don’t even try to attempt it. Not to mention those of you who hit the stores that sell military uniforms and wear them as part of your outfit nshit. I saw a guy with Army pants on, a white tee and some forces. Fucks up with that?
Moe: “U can wear camo shorts with any color shirt except camo bitch u aint in the forces so don’t do it”
7. Muffin Tops
Muffins good. Muffin tops, no bueno.
Moe: “Tuck ur belly in ur jeans. Muffin top isn’t a tasteful look…U want everything to look smooth even if its a smooth oval or smooth square u want it to look smooth (oval and sqaure r body types).”

Any self respecting woman with a kangaroo pouch knows how to tuck it in. If you can’t then you need higher waisted jeans. Fellas: Don’t judge the ladies nshit.

Speaking of high waists…

8. High waste jeans,pants, and skirts work on anyone

Well almost anyone.

Moe: “… if u have no ass u shouldn’t wear high waist.”, and “Baggy high waist pants are a no no just wear reg jeans boo boo.”

No one wants to see your pancake shape all defined nshit. Leave it to the big butt chicks.

9. Dresses

Moe: “Any dress that’s too big or str8 up and down and isn’t a maxi dress should have a belt to tie it in! It gives u shape even if u have a shape! It enhances it like make up is suppose to do.”

I had nothing to add here since I don’t do dresses often. Not that I don’t like them but the opportunity to wear them doesn’t arise often. Moving on..

10. Make-up

Moe: “Make up is for cover up(i.e. marks/pimples)…not a cover up if ur face is ugly..won’t help! It enhances your beauty.

I personally don’t really wear a lot of makeup. I definitely don’t wear it everyday as I’m a firm believer that it fucks up your skin in the long run if you do. If I’m going out cool. I’ll throw on some mascara, some lipgloss (I’ve recently fallen in love with Chanel lipgloss. It’s not sticky, not all teen-girl sparkly and they have great shades) and some eyeshadow on and that’s about it.

I don’t get into foundation or concealer or blush or anything like that. I wore blush once when I was like in the 2nd grade. I stole it from my mom and wore it to school. The whole way to school my sister and her friend kept telling me I looked like a clown. Suffice it to say that’s the last time I ever wore it lol.

Make-up is a personal preference but I don’t think it’s a requirement for being a woman. If you  naturally have a great face then show it off. If you look plain as shit and only look good with make-up then you should have a disclaimer for the fellas. You don’t want to look like one person during the day and another at night.

P.S. Make-up DOES expire. If you’ve had the same foundation for a few years it’s time to let it go. I just learned this lol.

If you wear a full face of make-up everyday your a hoe.

Do you have any fashion rules you live by? Agree or disagree with any of the ones here? We had more but certain shit like don’t wear white after labor day unless it’s winter white in the winter seemed too obvious. I hope so anyway…

Who Gives a F*#@ about Will and Jada?!

Someone told me that everyone is a buzz about the alleged split up of Will and Jada. Oh.Ok. So you’re surprised a celebrity couple split up and now there’s no hope in ever hoping to be married and happy? Oh.Ok.

WHO GIVES A FUCK?!

I’m not even gonna be redundant and write about this topic again. Celebrities and the obsession people have with them. I’ll never get it.

Anyway, here’s a bunch of mofo’s who are still married and have been 10+ years. Since people want to gauge the likeliness of their own future marital happiness on that of some famous folks. Knock yourself out.

P.s. I stole this list off of blacktoptens.com. I wasn’t Googling all of this shit….

This “Top 10 List” features African American celebrity couples who have had the longest successful marriages. The list is ranked in order of years married as of Nov 17, 2010.

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10. Deion & Pilar Sanders – Married for 11 years

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9. Will & Jada Pinkett Smith – Married for 13 years (or not lol)

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8. Rodney Peete & Holly Robinson Peete – Married for 15 years

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7. Spike Lee & Tonya Lewis – Married for 17 years

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6. Barack & Michelle Obama – Married for 18 years

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5. Earvin “Magic” Johnson & Earlitha “Cookie” Johnson – Married for 19 years

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4. D.L. & LaDonna Hughley – Married for 24 years

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3. Denzel & Pauletta Washington – Married for 27 years

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2. Samuel L. Jackson & Latanya Richardson – Married for 30 years

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1. Bill & Camille Cosby – Married for 46 years

 

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Let’s not give up on love people and if you have I’ll assume your bitter as fuck and will one day own about 13 cats and may be featured on an episode of Hoarders.

Too many people worrying about the next person’s relationship when you can’t even get into one or keep the man/girl you have now. *steps off soapbox*

The End. Bitches.

Why I Can’t Get Into Reality TV

This picture perfectly describes how I feel about reality tv. I realize I may be in the minority, especially amongst females, when it comes to my views on it. Most of my friends love one show or another and can talk, at length, about who’s fucking who and who has more money than who and what bitch is really a bitch but not as bad as the other bitch who fucked that bitch’s man and yadda yadda yadda. *yawn*. To each his/her own I say but I won’t pretend that I understand it. I don’t get what’s so fascinating about someone else’s life. I honestly don’t give a shit what some person who I don’t know nor do I care to pretend I know is doing with their life.

I’m not judging anyone who watches it, I just want to know what the big deal is. Basketball Wives (they aren’t even all actually wives I heard, how does that happen?), Housewives of Whatever County, Homelesswives (that would be funny lol), Jersey Shore…I can’t really get into any of it. I watched one full episode of Jersey Shore and that’s because my friend Moe was at my crib and needed her fix. I made a feeble attempt at watching Mob Wives (after some serious prodding from aforementioned friend) and gave it up after like three episodes. It damn near drove me crazy. I think one of the underlying reasons I don’t like these shows with bitches is that I cannot stand annoying females and almost all those hoes are annoying. They sound annoying, they worry about annoying things, they behave annoyingly…you get my drift.

Another reason I can’t really get into them is because…wait for it….I’M TOO BUSY LIVING MY OWN LIFE! <—-That was deep..I know. Let it sink in nshit.

I have my own family, man, job, house, car and bank account to be focused on. I had a brief conversation with my bf about this subject and he said "..that's why bitches be single because they're so worried about what some famous bitch is doing with her man instead of trying to get her own." Instant laughter. I may have misquoted a bit but it was something to that effect. I laughed and agreed adding that most chicks are so quick to criticize these bitches on t.v. but they'd trade places with them in an instant. They wish they were a scorned basketball wife or that thousands of people were tuning in to them every week. Hoping that one day they'll find a rich athlete to marry so the fact that they can't cook or do anything besides look pretty won't matter.

I may come off as condescending but frankly, I don't give a fuck. If I've offended you, again, I don't give a fuck. I just can't bring myself to tune in to see how someone else is living their life and I think that's a big problem in our society. Too much emphasis is placed on the subject and fascination of celebrity that people tend to lose focus on what's really important. All I'm saying is let's focus on real world issues that are going to impact us and not what famous person is getting married or what celebrity just got another DUI. I'm not saying there's anything wrong with watching these shows but you should be able to put the same emphasis and discussion spent on talking about the bitch who got a drink thrown in her face as what's happening with the economy. If we tailspin into another recession, if the housing market doesn't turn around, if gas prices continue to soar along with unemployment rates, guess who's that going to effect?

Us. Not them. And I guarantee they don't give half the fuck you do about your life as you do about theirs.

*shrugs shoulders* but that's just my opinion. So sound off nshit. Are you an avid reality tv show watcher? Why or Why not? Inquiring minds (mine) want to know. Enlighten me to the fascination.

*added note. I'd like to give a special shoutout to beanz for leaving comments, however crazy they may be, instead of texting or emailing me a reply to a post lol.*

Leave a comment bitches!

Random Thoughts of A Coffee Laced Brain

– Why do people slow down when a cop has someone pulled over? Do you think that he’s going to see you speeding by, drop his ticket book and hop in the car after you?

– Has anyone actually traded in any of their gold and gotten cash for it? How many people just have mad gold sitting around the crib?

– Has anyone but me NOT heard Watch the Throne or Beyonce’s last CD? I don’t even know what it’s called.

– What’s with the http://www.cityselectauto.com cars I see riding around? Do you have to leave that shit on your car if you buy one from there?

– I saw an ugly ass rainbow in Willingboro the other day. I don’t know how that happened but something was wrong with it. I think it was missing a color. My daughter wasn’t even excited to see it.

– Have ya’ll been paying attention to the DOW? Do you even know what it is?

– DON’T GET OS X LION YET! Apple has a bunch of kinks it has to workout. My fucking mouse has a mind of it’s own. Hurry up with the update Apple.

– Did you see the article about a loungerie line for kids 4-12? Check it out here.

^ — Ain’t that some bullshit?

– The Eagles are trash man…

– Everybody’s a photographer with Instagram. Making your photo appear old and distressed is all cool nshit but guess what…ugly is still ugly with a filter over it.

– Why am I still getting mass chain texts?? -CARA!

– Quick funny story…My brother came to my crib earlier this week with his “peoples”. I think she thought she was his girlfriend cuz she was all nervous to meet me nshit. She was asking me questions like “Is your brother a good dude?” and “Does he have a lot of females?”. Now I may not be uber close to my brother but there’s still a sibling confidentiality I have to adhere to so I said very little. Just know…if you’re meeting your s/o family member and their response to you asking them if he’s a good dude is “Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh………………..yea”, that should serve as your warning. I don’t think I’ll ever see her again. *shrugs shoulders*

– If I tell you I just bought a house and you tell me “Oh yea I just bought a new apartment” our conversation is officially the fuck over.

– If you ask me for advice don’t be mad when I give it to you and it’s not what you want to hear. Don’t fucking ask me next time.

– I got this single serve Keurig coffee brewer and I promise it might be the highlight of my fucking year so far. No shit..it’s fucking awesome. Fuck you Dunkin Donuts.

– My coworker said if one dude says “LOL” to another dude in a text it’s gay……I don’t really agree. Then again he’s the same person who said it’s not gay for a dude to get a finger up his ass. Opinion voided.

– My coworkers were trying to tell me that since we have a house now, we’re going to need a slew of power tools. I spent the majority of my day trying to tell them how caucasian that was and that we won’t be building a fucking gazebo or anything so I don’t see the need to buy a table saw nshit. I’m not Bob Vila nshit.

– I text Beans (notice the ‘s’) this morning and asked if she still worked at Dempster’s…she hasn’t replied yet. Thanx Beans.

– This man at my job still thinks my name is Jaquanda. O_o

–  90’s Nick!!!!!1

– *Phone rings* Lady at my job: Hey, I need your input for the matrix”

Me: (No clue what the fuck she’s talking about….)

“I’ll take the red pill”

Her: *crickets* “I don’t get it”

Me: *hangs up*

Have a great rainy weekend everyone!