10 Fashion Rules for Women, Men and Fat People

I hate my friend Monique. The amount of fuckery she hits me with in the morning is insane. I’m never really prepared for it. It just hits me lol.

Today it was all about the fashionable and not so fashionable at her job. I almost spit out my hazelnut coffee ,brewed on my awesome coffee maker, when she told me about the jean skirt pandemic happening there. I’m no fashionista but I know the basics of putting together an outfit and I’m all about enlightenment. So,  I decided that we should put our heads together and come up 10 fashion rules that most people already know but an overwhelming percent of the population seem to be oblivious to. This is for men and women alike.

1. Open Toe Shoes

Open toe-shoes are for the spring and summer time. The only time it’s ok to wear an open-toe shoe in the fall is if it’s a peep-toe. Ladies, if you’re wearing a peep toe shoe it’s NOT ok to just put polish on your first two toes. I know you’re doing it. Stop being lazy and polish the rest of your damn foot.

2. Horizontal stripes are a fat person’s friend

Ok, If you’re super fat then it doesn’t matter what you wear really. If your pants all have elastic waistbands and your shirts have bacon neck then horizontal stripes aint helping shit. However, If you’re not that fat but still semi-fat, then horizontal stripes are great for you because they can help achieve a slimmer look. If you’re already slim then you can knock yourself out with whatever kind of stripes you want in whatever direction. Oh and fat people?…No skinny stripes or else you’ll look like a lost zebra

3. Fellas: NO JEAN SHORTS

Toss em, burn em, only use them when you’re doing some sort of manual labor. In no way, shape or form should you be rocking jean shorts let alone still buying them. You will never go wrong with khaki or cargo shorts. Stick to them. Leave the jean shorts to your dad/uncle/older cousins.

4. Ladies: Jean skirts have died

Along with jean shorts for men jean skirts for women are not the haps. Especially if it comes down to your knees and has a split in either the front or the back. If you wear long, splitted jean skirts I’ll assume you have a fingerwave with a side ponytail and gel’d down “S” shaped sideburns.

I’ll add that my homey said only muslim chicks can get this off because they already have a limited choice of garb. Oh, and them Amish jawns. P.s. The turkey bacon at the Amish mart in Willingboro is the best turkey bacon I’ve ever had man. I digress though..moving on…

Moe: “Short jeans skirts are only allowed if its tight and u have a donkey cuz other than that its gonna look like a box and that’s not cute hunty.”

5. Stockings

Moe: “Do NOT wear coffee stockings when u black AF and or white AF choose the color that’s closet to ur skin complexion and if not don’t wear any! I’d rather see a bare leg over a church going grandma look. Fucks up ur whole outfit.”

AF= As Fuck

Amen.

6. Camoflauge

This is a personal pet peeve of mine. There’s nothing worse than seeing someone in head to toe camo. You look a gotdamn fool. Don’t do it. If you aren’t in the Armed Forces just don’t even try to attempt it. Not to mention those of you who hit the stores that sell military uniforms and wear them as part of your outfit nshit. I saw a guy with Army pants on, a white tee and some forces. Fucks up with that?

Moe: “U can wear camo shorts with any color shirt except camo bitch u aint in the forces so don’t do it”

7. Muffin Tops

Muffins good. Muffin tops, no bueno.

Moe: “Tuck ur belly in ur jeans. Muffin top isn’t a tasteful look…U want everything to look smooth even if its a smooth oval or smooth square u want it to look smooth (oval and sqaure r body types).”

Any self respecting woman with a kangaroo pouch knows how to tuck it in. If you can’t then you need higher waisted jeans. Fellas: Don’t judge the ladies nshit.

Speaking of high waists…

8. High waste jeans,pants, and skirts work on anyone

Well almost anyone.

Moe: “… if u have no ass u shouldn’t wear high waist.”, and “Baggy high waist pants are a no no just wear reg jeans boo boo.”

No one wants to see your pancake shape all defined nshit. Leave it to the big butt chicks.

9. Dresses

Moe: “Any dress that’s too big or str8 up and down and isn’t a maxi dress should have a belt to tie it in! It gives u shape even if u have a shape! It enhances it like make up is suppose to do.”

I had nothing to add here since I don’t do dresses often. Not that I don’t like them but the opportunity to wear them doesn’t arise often. Moving on..

10. Make-up

Moe: “Make up is for cover up(i.e. marks/pimples)…not a cover up if ur face is ugly..won’t help! It enhances your beauty.”

I personally don’t really wear a lot of makeup. I definitely don’t wear it everyday as I’m a firm believer that it fucks up your skin in the long run if you do. If I’m going out cool. I’ll throw on some mascara, some lipgloss (I’ve recently fallen in love with Chanel lipgloss. It’s not sticky, not all teen-girl sparkly and they have great shades) and some eyeshadow on and that’s about it.

I don’t get into foundation or concealer or blush or anything like that. I wore blush once when I was like in the 2nd grade. I stole it from my mom and wore it to school. The whole way to school my sister and her friend kept telling me I looked like a clown. Suffice it to say that’s the last time I ever wore it lol.

Make-up is a personal preference but I don’t think it’s a requirement for being a woman. If you  naturally have a great face then show it off. If you look plain as shit and only look good with make-up then you should have a disclaimer for the fellas. You don’t want to look like one person during the day and another at night.

P.S. Make-up DOES expire. If you’ve had the same foundation for a few years it’s time to let it go. I just learned this lol.

If you wear a full face of make-up everyday your a hoe.

Do you have any fashion rules you live by? Agree or disagree with any of the ones here? We had more but certain shit like don’t wear white after labor day unless it’s winter white in the winter seemed too obvious. I hope so anyway…