I was going to write some fly shit this morning but since I just realized, and by just I mean like 3.5 seconds ago, it was Wednesday and not Tuesday I have to get myself together and regroup on the day. It’s not my fault, Labor Day got me all off kilter. That and all of this incessant rain. It’s like Mother Nature is saying fuck the East Coast with two middle fingers in the air.
Anyway, it’s back to school time and people are oversharing pics of their kids heading back to school in their fresh fits and kicks. I like seeing cute kids all dressed up and ready to learn some shit.
Cute kids. Just the cute ones. You see where I’m going with this?
Before you say I’m mean and that it’s not right to call kids ugly or unattractive, hear me out. If there are ugly adults, and we can all agree to that because I know I’m not the only one who sees ugly roaming the Earth, then there are ugly kids. We all know the ugly duckling story and may know some one whose played the part but that doesn’t negate the fact that they were in fact an ugly child.
I don’t mean awkward or a kid who hit puberty early or anything like that. I mean out-the-womb ugly. It’s not the kids fault but it is what it is.
Ugly kids turn into ugly adults the majority of the time and ugly people get picked on, it’s just a fact of life, so at what age is it appropriate to acknowledge it? I know no parent wants to admit they have an ugly kid. Most parents of ugly kids probably don’t even think their kid is ugly because the denial is so deep.
My friend asked me about a little girl the other day and the convo went something like this:
Ignorant ass friend: “Is she cute?”
Me: “I mean…she’s…she’s not ugly I guess.”
Ignorant ass friend: “Oh ok, so she’s an average looking kid. Like if she got hit by a car you would just be like ‘Oh, some kid is hurt’, but you wouldn’t go running out into the street.”
Me: “You’re such an asshole. Why am I your friend?”
What great convos we have.
Everyone has theirr own definition of an ugly child I guess and whether you measure it by the chance of them being resuced in a car crash or not you know they exist. So now that you know…
How do you handle your friends ugly kids?
I mean, you can’t just tell them outright, that would make you a horrible person and a worse friend. So what do you say when your friend has a baby and it looks like a grown ass unattractive man?
Here’s what I say:
If you ever hear me say any of these phrases about your child you can assume I think they aren’t cute.
1. Awwwww Look at him/her!
See what I did? You assume I’m saying look at them because they’re so gosh darn cute but I’m not. Instead it’s quite the opposite. If you say this all sweet nshit it goes over well.
2. I love that little outfit! It’s so cute!
The outfit. Not the child. It’s all about wording. Remember we’re trying to spare feelings here.
3. Awwwww (the awww part is key) he/she is something else.
They sure are.
If someone has a cute child then you can’t help (as a female anyway) to acknowledge it. You can’t help but to say they’re cute cuz who doesn’t love a cute kid? When you see a baby that is less than cute I’ll say, it stops you in your tracks and you get caught off guard like ‘Whoa, I wasn’t prepared for this.’
I don’t tell people they have cute kids when they don’t. Why? Because then as they get older your friend is going to assume you want to see every candid shot, every holiday pic or back-to-school pic of that ugly ass lil kid as they get older. I’m trying to avoid that. They’ll have enough to go through in life as it is.
My homegirl gets pictures sent to her of this little girl who I swear on everything I love looks like a little boy. There is not an ounce of femininity in that child. She gets pics sent to her constantly and being the awesome friend that she is, forwards them to me. I guess she has to share the abuse.
Again, I know people say it’s not right to call kids ugly because then you’ll have an ugly child and to that I say chile please. I’m not superstitious nor do I believe that because I happen to think someone’s kid is not cute that I’ll be cursed with ugly kids. The proof is in the pudding as I happen to have a child and she happens to not be ugly.
Besides, I don’t call ugly kids ugly to their or their parents face. Im not THAT mean and I don’t know many adults that would do that. I will however compliment them in an indirect way.
Sooooooo, what about you? How do you deal with that friend with the ugly kid? Have you ever told someone their child wasn’t cute? Or do you spare their feelings and save friendships like me? I’m curious to know.