How Many Guys is TOO Many?

This  spawned off of a comment on my post here where a chick mentions that she’s slept with 64 men, yet that doesn’t mean she’s worth any less than a virgin. I obviously disagree but hey, that’s just my opinion. So it got me to wondering, how many is too many? Is there a number that men have in their heads that will make them not take a girl seriously if she’s above it? Do the circumstances surrounding her number matter? Or do most men just not really want to know?

Let’s take Ms. 64 for example. I’m not sure how old she is but let’s assume she’s 30. I can only make this assumption based off of her comment that she isn’t over the age of 40. Let’s also assume that she lost her virginity at the age of 14. Feasible enough. Now, that’s 64 men in 16 years. Thats 16 men a year. *pauses for dramatic effect* That’s 1 a month with 4 stragglers left over.

So, a man a month for 16 years. A constant steady stream of penis. A plethora of peen. That’s just averaging it of course. She could have had a summer off and made up for it in the cold, cuffing season with back to back partners. She could have had sex with just 5 guys from 14-18 and then hit the ground running in college, taking the term “The Freshman 15” to a whole new meaning. All in all. 64 is a lot.

Could you take her seriously? Say she is an awesome person and a guy falls head over heels in love with her. Then she comes clean and drops a 64lb pound bomb on him. Should he stay and say to hell with it because he’s in love? Is love enough to overlook her past sexual encounters? There’s a lot of variables there. I mean, to me, that means you’re an easy lay and why would a guy take you seriously if he can just screw you and bounce like the other 64 did? What’s going to make him stay other than stupidity love?

Now on the other hand, is 64 a lot for a guy? Would you take a guy seriously who slept with 64 women?

I’m not judging here. At the end of the day it’s your vagina and you do whatever the hell you want with it. Just remember that if you ever feel like you want to settle down and start a family that you’re bringing 64 cases of excess baggage with you to the table and for some men, most men, that may be more that enough to head in the opposite direction.

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Why do Bears Want to Date My Friend??

Ok, so I have this friend who regales me with her stories of dates gone wrong and men gone crazy and I promise shit she tells me could only happen to her. On a recent Gchat convo she told me about her cousin who, in not so many words, asked her if she was fuckin or not. Don’t believe me? Heres the text that she forwarded to me…. from him….. to her:

aka "Is you fucking or not?"

This was from her COUSIN mind you!!!! Male type. I damn near died when she sent me this shit. How in the fuck do you ask your cousin if she’d be willing to hunch one of your boys? Shit is just pure comedy. This is just the tip of the iceberg though. Seems as if everyone wants to hook her up with someone and the ones that are interested in her resemble bears. Bonafied bears B. Not Winnie the Pooh, Teddy Rumpskin cute bears. Nah. Grizzly bears. Yogi the Bear stupid type bears. Bears that look like this:

 

Now she’s onto this dating older men idea which I honestly think won’t work out for her because cmon……bears are one thing but saggy, wrinkled balls are a whole nother. No ma’am. She sent me a picture of a white, Jewish man who looked like a fucking meerkat. No lie. His eyes were literally like this O_O and he looked like his breath smelled like moth balls. Don’t act like I’m the only one whose ever imagined someones breath smelled without actually having ever met that person. It’s just a vibe nshit.

I’m not on the I’m -better-than-you-cuz-I-got-a-man tip but I am glad that I’m not on the market and having to deal with the shit my single friends, male and female, are dealing with. It’s enough to drive em crazy. Well, her anyway.

She hinted around at some site called suggardaddy.com or some shit like that and I laughed for like 10 minutes straight. First, I didn’t believe such a site even existed. Second, the thought of her doing that shit was hilarious. Third, there really are dudes who want to be a chick’s sugar daddy. I think these same dudes have Marvin’s Room as their ringtone and have two copies of Beyonce’s last CD. That’s just my opinion though.

So,I’ve decided to compile the crazy dating stories I hear, mostly from her, and bring them to you when I don’t have any other specific topics I’d like to write about. Cuz when your cousins are tryna pimp you and your new bear coworkers are tryna plot on you nothing but laughs will be found. If you have any stories yourself please feel free to share nshit. Cuz I’m always down for a good laugh at someone else’s expense.

Dear Grizzly Bears, please leave my friend alone she doesn’t want to share her honey. Sincerely, Yami.

Confessions of a Fence Hopper….After The Grass Has Died

Ok, so the other day I wrote a post entitled “When the Grass looks Greener” about people in relationships who assume that there is always going to be someone better out there than who they have at home. I added in there that there are some situations where the grass may indeed be greener and I have an admitted fence hopper on today’s post who, after some prodding and persuading, agreed to give me her side.

Her story is a bit different in that she’s past the he-makes-me-happy-but-I-wonder-if-I’d-be-happier-with-someone-else case. In her situation, she’s officially unhappy and in a toxic relationship. The other side of the fence is anywhere he isn’t.

So, what happens when you go beyond that point?  When you’re no longer happy and wondering if there’s something better out there and instead you’re discontent and you know that this can’t be life? Do you stick around and try to work shit out some more? Or do you grab your pole thingy  I don’t know what the hell it’s called and I’m too lazy to Google it right now) and vault over the fence to greener pastures?

Well, I’ll let her tell it:

Hi, my name is Yaya and I’m a Fence Hopper (I swear that’s not a euphemism for whore).  Allow me to elaborate nshit. I was in a relationship & the grass was Definitely greener on the other side. Did I meet a new person? NO. Did he cheat? Nope (not that I know of). When I looked on the other side of the fence I saw myself being so much more happier… Alone :-O.  When I seen that I hauled ass to that fence & did a diving somersault to the other side. *sticks dismount*.In the past I could Only see myself marrying him. No one else mattered. He was my Everything. He was Always put 1st w/ No questions asked. I realized I slowly began to be put 2nd, then 3rd… Then 10th. So we talked about it & things got better & then they fell apart. So we talked about it & it got better & then it fell apart. Soooo we talked about it -_-. The monotonous cycle pushed me away & I didn’t look @ him the same. The grass on my side of the fence was dead & the other side looked so peaceful & serene.

I started to feel alone so why not be alone? Alone ≠ Lonely. Lonely is a state of Mind. There was no reason for me to keep putting my 100% into someone when they were giving me 25%.

It was time for “The Talk”. You know what I’m talking about. The “Its me, not you” talk. As far as I was concerned it wasn’t me, but I was willing to take all of the blame to end it. Of course he thought marriage and a ring would solve all of our issues *rolls eyes*.  NO thank you. I wanted OUT & that’s exactly what happened. That fence didn’t stand a chance nshit.

What it all came down to was I was happier when he wasn’t around me. Everything I used to do for him Stopped. I stopped calling & texting. There was no cooking or sex.  I didn’t care where he was, who he was with, or if he was even ok (fuckin terrible). If you were around me during this fence hopping (break-up) you would’ve thought I just got engaged. Words can’t explain how happy I am.

What I can’t understand though, is why he tried to do a 180° after it was over. He feels like he has something to prove to me nshit. Well my mind is made up & I’m loving this side of the fence. *sips thug cola through a crazy straw*

When The Grass Looks Greener…

 

Let me lay out the scenario for you:

You’re sitting there looking at your significant other, thinking about all the shit that pisses you off about them. The way they chew, how they leave their shit all over the crib, how she can’t cook nshit. You may be a few years into your relationship and lately things have become stagnant. You don’t dislike them anymore you just wish they didn’t do the shit they did sometimes. So, you start to think…

I bet I could find someone who didn’t do all this shit that irks me. Bet she’d chew nice and quiet and be super organized and cook three course meals every night. Yea…that sounds nice.

So you assume that the grass is indeed greener on the other side and hop the fucking fence. You get there and yea, shit is looking sweet. You got that new pussy person feeling going and you get lost in that shit. Until you look around and realize that this bitch is worse than the one you just left. She might not do the annoying shit your old boo did but her flaws are even worse. She snores like a fucking 300lb man every night, she’s addicted to reality T.V. and won’t watch anything else and she’s allergic to fried chicken. Hey, it’s possible. You get my point nshit. Shit’s fucked up in this bitch’s yard.

So now what? You just made the mistake a lot of people make and assume that there’s always something better out there than what you have at home. Granted, I’m sure there are situations where this is true but I’m not talking about people who are in truly fucked up relationships. I’m speaking to those that go through normal relationship shit and start to wonder if they’re settling for less.

If you’re with someone but you’re constantly wondering if they’re really the right person for you because there might be something better out there, just stop looking and ask yourself these questions and answer honestly:

1. Does your significant other make you happy?

If the sight of them makes you roll your eyes and you dread going home every night then you should re-evaluate shit and find out why. If they no longer make you smile and you have no desire to make THEM happy then by all means roll out.

2. Can you see yourself marrying this person?

Yes or no question. Pretty self-explanatory but, if you’re still out there looking on the side, your answer might be biased.

3. Have they changed for the worst since you first met them?

I don’t mean they stopped cooking for you every single day or they don’t wear as much sexy lingerie as they used to. I mean have their values or morals changed? Do they still want the same things out of life? Are they still the person, inside, that you met and fell in love with?

If you can answer yes, yes and no to these then why are you still looking? Everything else is just shit you deal with in a relationship. The things you thought were cute and funny in the beginning might end up being less cute and funny five years later. That doesn’t mean you should be looking for a replacement.

Bottom line, everyone has their flaws. I personally have a fucked up sense of direction and can be pretty scatterbrained. If you know me you know I’m constantly misplacing and losing shit and that you can give me directions to a place one day and the very next day it’s like I’ve never been there. BOOM. I fucking forgot.That’s me though and it comes with the package. I’m sure…no..I know…it pisses my s/o at times but that’s shit you deal with when you want to be with someone. You gotta want them flaws and all. Aint that a Beyonce song or some shit? Anyway…

Just keep in mind that while that new person might seem so appealing and worthwhile in the beginning  you might come to find that their flaws are 10x worse than the person you left them for and by then it’s too late to hop back over that fence..or she may have a new gardener, or he’s trimming someone else’s bush now…or..ok you get the point with all the garden metaphors.

I will say this though. If you do decide to leave one for another then just do it. Don’t test the waters while you’re still with that person unless you plan on telling them and give them the opportunity to do the same. Don’t keep them in the dark thinking shit is sweet and everything is apple pies and cool whip topping. You won’t make shit better by cheating…that..is a whole ‘nother topic though..

Love the one you’re with. Luther.