Random Things I’ll Never Understand… or Want To

Good morning. Happy Monday, although I know that’s an oxymoron for some, it isn’t for me because I was 30 minutes late to work and still managed to be the first one here. As a matter of fact, I’m the only one here and I have no clue where my four coworkers are. Anyway, as I was driving in this morning I succumbed to my usual bouts of road rage when some asshole in a MPV turned into my lane going 30mph as I was going 60mph. Never mind that there was a completely empty lane to my right reserved for minivans, handicapped persons and whoever else chooses to drive the speed limit. This idiot decided to meander in front of me and almost purposefully, at least I think it was, drive 20 miles under the limit. Why people do this shit is beyond me and it got me to thinking about other things I just cant comprehend.

#2 – Crying when celebrities die.

I know I’m not alone here yet people have tried to make me feel like some sort of cold-hearted, soul-less bitch for not crying or giving more than half a shit when a celebrity passes away. I swear I got so much grief when Michael Jackson died because everyone around me was all, “OH MY GAWD!!!! NOOOOOOO NOT MJJJJJJJ!!! JESUS WHY?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! WHY BABY JESUS DID YOU TAKE THE KING OF POP?! TAKE ME INSTEAD!!!!”, and I was like “Damn, Michael Jackson died? That’s crazy.” Am I wrong? I just don’t see the purpose in crying over someone who doesn’t even know I exist or that would touch my son inappropriately if I let him spend the night at his ranch. I’m just saying. I don’t understand why people care.

#3 – Fascination with reality TV

I guess this tags along with the last one. As you can see I don’t really comprehend the fascination with celebrities or even worse, people who are famous for being famous, or famous for being with someone famous. Continue reading

The Idiot At My Job

Goodmorning. How was your Thanksgiving? Good? Great. Now that the formalities are out of the way let’s get to the subject at hand shall we?

If you’ve read previous posts on here you might have noticed that I’ve referenced a certain someone who works at my job that I cannot stand. I don’t deal with her often but I swear every interaction I have with her leaves me either perplexed, annoyed, or in laughter because she’s just that…well, idiotic. I know it’s not nice to call people idiots and everyone is prone to episodes of idiocy but I truly believe that she is an idiot. I  mean, there’s no other way to describe the shit she does. I’ll let you judge. Let me share with you some of the encounters I’ve had and you can tell me if I’m being to harsh or not ok? Great. 

Sign #1 

She talks to me while I’m using the bathroom. I don’t mean a quick hello while I’m washing my hands, no. I mean a full fledged conversation about the smell of the hand soap while I’m in MY stall trying to handle business. I say it’s my stall because there aren’t many women working in my building, I’ve been here for almost 5 years and I claimed it as mine. She comes in and yells “WHO’S IN MY STALL??!” I roll my eyes and say something to the effect of “I didn’t see your name on it.” Then she gets in the stall next to me instead of the further stall. Violation. 

Sign #2

She has no job title so she looks for random shit to do. Why she’s still employed here is an enigma to me. Recently she was put in charge of “Computer Maintenance”. What prey tell is computer maintenance? It’s making sure the computers are dusted and that they start when you boot them up. That’s pretty much it. Yesterday she broke one of the monitors. I could rest my case here but I have more. Continue reading

Clowns and Spinal Injuries: Things That Scare Me

Good Morning and Happy Tuesday. I hope everyone enjoyed their weekends and Columbus Day if you were lucky like me and got the day off. My day started off great, and by great I mean I got to wake up at 7:30am instead of 6:30 am. That hour makes all the difference in the world. Anyway, it was great until I walked outside and right into a spiderweb. Ughk.

First, let me say that this happens to me almost every damn morning. The spiderweb and I. It’s like this spider is waging a war with me in which I win by knocking down the fruits of his labor every morning and he attempts to recoup and rebuild for the next day. I think it’s personal too. Why? My boyfriend walked out of the same door, down the same driveway, past the same car I did this morning. Did he walk into the spiderweb? No. Then here I come no less than 15 minutes later and I walk right into the shit. It’s as if the spider was saving it just for me. It must be some sort of mutant spider able to create a web from my car to the tree in less than 15 minutes. I hate spiders and I hate spiderwebs. They scare me man. It’s not just that I hate the way they look, I hate how they feel on you. You ever have a spider crawl on you? It’s not fun man, and I don’t know a single person on the face of this earth that doesn’t mind walking through spiderwebs. I want to run screaming down the street looking like an absolute fool every morning but I manage to compose myself. Continue reading

Why I Don’t Trust Friendless Women

Hello. Good morning *Diddy dance*

You know that girl that says “I don’t get along with females. That’s why I don’t have any friends.”, or “I have more male friends than girl friends.”, or “Bitches just don’t like me.”? I don’t trust her. Something is intrinsically wrong with a female that has no female friends. I always assume something is wrong with her friend making abilities or her personality that has led her to this state of friendlessness.

I have a handful of close female friends that each serve a different purpose in my life. There’s the one I can talk to about my relationship (Sidenote: Don’t beat your single friends up with your relationship news, issues or concerns. They really don’t give a fuck. If they’re good friends they might indulge you and listen but trust me, they don’t care. Oh and don’t take their advice either), the one I can talk to about anything, the one I can talk to about parenting and well..that’s pretty much it for the inner circle of friends. (I don’t count my sister in this circle because she’s related.) That doesn’t mean that I can’t talk to the mom friend about other shit, it’s just that that’s what her main friend function is. Who else is going to check you when you need it, hold your hair when you’re drunk or pull you out of a Fat Tuesdays male restroom? Continue reading