America: Home of the Brave, Land of the Lazy

I’m convinced that we as Americans have to be some of the laziest fucking people on the planet. I’m not saying there is anything wrong with having things that make life convenient. After all, God knows I’m grateful to whoever invented the remote control and pre-sliced bread. There are however, a plethora of things I keep saying that always makes me say “Who the fuck is that lazy?”. 

Yesterday my coworker told me that there were now pajama jeans for men and I couldn’t believe it. So what does any normal person do when they want to validate a claim and get factual answers? They Google it. Imagine my surprise when I found these babies:

Why yes, I am a douche bag

Snazzy aye? These are actually a rip off of the Pajama Jeans brand that I’m sure many of you have seen in the infomercial. They’re called “Knit Jean Lounge Pants” and  apparently are a hot seller because they are completely sold out on the website! Who in the fuck is buying these?? But wait…it gets even better. If you don’t want the douchebag, distressed, it looks like you’ve been slashed at by Freddie Kruger style then maybe these are the ones for you:

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A Giant Case of the Mondays

Good Morning nshit. This post is going to be short mainly because I’m tired. I got maybe 3 hours total of sleep last night. Kinda sucked that I was really falling asleep when my alarm clock went off. Anyway, I’m also pretty pissed that the Patriots lost the Super Bowl. I’m not a New England Fan, I’m a Dallas fan so if you know anything about football you know I didn’t want to Giants to win. Fuck the Giants. 

Is it just me or does Eli Manning have a face that you just want to punch?

Did anyone notice how much blush Bob Costa’s was wearing?  

So not only am I tired and upset at last night’s game (and the Giants fan that found it necessary to scream G-MEN!!!! to me as I was walking into the building from like a 100 yards away) but I get to work and 2/3 of my office has called out. One is “sick” the other has “car trouble”. How fucking convenient. Oh wait, I forgot about the intern that comes here every Monday that my boss is supposed to babysit (he just walked in) but I guess I have to now since he’s out.

Here’s what the email my boss sent out to let us know he’d be out. He sent it to his boss and cc’d us:

Sir, I am feeling pretty sick this morning. It would be great if I could say it was a super bowl HO. <—I presume HO is hangover

I would like to blackberry out sick.

I do have that intern coming in today. Was going to bore him with our operations and plans.

Sir, I will keep my bb next to me if anyone needs anything.

Nothing else pressing for except the intern.

The intern smells. Like a dirty college student who does his laundry in dirty water with cheap dish detergent instead of laundry detergent. The longer he’s in the office the more the smell festers and evolves. In the morning its foul laundry and by lunchtime its an onion sandwich. By quitting time it’s like a bunch of sweaty, fat guys were fucking in the office and spraying ball juice and salami everywhere.  Continue reading

The Idiot At My Job: Giving Gifts

So, my birthday was on the 12th and this is the conversation I had with the idiot at my job that Wednesday:

Idiot: SO YOUR BIRTHDAY IS TOMORROW RIGHT?!

Me: You do know that I’m like 3 ft away from you right?

Idiot: SO WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO?!

-Apparently her inside voice is broken or something-

Me: I don’t know. Not sure yet if I’m coming in to work or not. Can you take it down a notch? You’re giving me a headache.

Idiot: ARE YOU coming into work?

Me: You don’t listen very well do you?

Idiot: Well, I know we used to have a fund where we’d have money to do stuff for people’s birthday and stuff.  I don’t know whatever happened to that. Didn’t we used to have like a dinner or get hoagies or something?

Me: Unless you plan on buying me ice cream cake I won’t be here.

Idiot: I can bake you a cake!!!!!

Me: No.

Idiot: Well what are you doing tomorrow?

Me *sigh* I gotta go…

Idiot: Cuz I can call you and we can go out to dinner or something. There’s this hibachi place on RT 130 that I heard is really good!!!

Me: O_o <—I actually made that face. One big eye. One little eye. Eyebrows furrowed in confusion and disgust. First of all, you don’t have my number to call me. Second, wouldn’t you assume that I was doing something with my friends or boyfriend for my birthday? Why would I go out with a coworker I don’t even like barely know? Isn’t that kind of weird? Continue reading

The Birthday Post

So first off, I’m writing this post on my iPhone WordPress app so I can’t edit it as thoroughly as I want to i.e. grey lettering.

Secondly, today is my birthday and I’ve been out and about with my big sister since like 930 am. 11am isn’t too early for wine is it? I just wanted to write a quick little something something and reflect on what it’s like to turn 28.

I don’t feel 28. I’m well aware of the fact that I’m 2 years closer to being 30 though and I thought back to when I was like 16 and what I thought I would’ve accomplished by now. I remember thinking how OLD people over 26 seemed to be and I thought to myself, “I’ll be married with kids by 26 with a house and a good job”..blah blah blah you can imagine the rest. Well I’m not married but everything else has seemed to fall into place and I can honestly say that being well on the other side of 25 isn’t so bad.

I don’t feel the sense of urgency a lot of women feel to be married nor do I wish I was 22 again. I’m happy with being 28 and feel blessed to be where I am in life.

I don’t give a fuck about being almost 30. That’s what most people have been saying to me when I say I’m 28. “ALMOST 30 HUH?!”

Yep…almost 30 and not giving a fuck. I realize most people, well women cuz I don’t think men give a fuck, only make such a big fuss over reaching 30, then 35, then 40 etc because they aren’t where they thought they’d be. They have this theoretical milestone timeline that they feel they must keep up with and believe they’ve failed if they fall behind schedule.

Well, I have no timeline. I’m 28 today and I’m taking it one day at a time, just enjoying every day I have with loved ones and friends. I say don’t stress over society’s timeframe for when you should have kids or be married or buy a house nshit and live your life. It’ll happen. Unless you’re undatable or a bitch but that’s another post.